advice with line breaks

[seal]

I have re-used a phrase from another poem of mine, but otherwise this one is new to English language.
If anyone has some advice about my line breaks (or anything else for that matter), I'd appreciate it. I suck at line breaks.



coiling around the ache
like a lizard
around a fragile egg
she sucks out the fake
gold quick emotional fix
and leaves the hard work nourishment
to rot
and then she takes her burden
on her lap
and strokes it softly
until she forgets what it is made of

Comments

[northern]

Suggestion:

coiling around the ache
like a lizard
around a fragile egg
she sucks out
the fake gold
[the] quick emotional fix
and leaves the hard work nourishment
to rot
and then she takes her burden
on her lap
and strokes it softly
until she forgets what it is made of

Good poem, honey.

[sealwhiskers.livejournal.com]

Yes, it's better now.
Thank you!

[sealwhiskers.livejournal.com]

I'm sort of wondering, would it be bad to call this one The Yolk-eater? I am not at all sure, but I'm asking advice from you and mr Zombie, since you two are my best advisers in this language.

I want to sort of...make it a little clearer that it's a destructive behavior, and the yolk is the least nutritious part of the egg...

[zombienought.livejournal.com]

I actually like better:

she sucks out the fake
gold quick emotional fix


It depends on what you're going for,
though. I read it as "She sucks out
the fake" [which is a] "gold quick
emotional fix." And that second line
has a nice internal rhyme to it with
some harsh consonants.

I'm not sure about the title, though.
It definitely helps clarify the poem
some, and makes for a very good visual,
so perhaps it's what you're looking for.
The more I think about it, the more I
like it, but there's something odd about
it. Maybe since that's not a common term
in English?

I had no idea that yolks were the least
nutritious part of an egg. They're my
favourite part.

[zombienought.livejournal.com]

That's pretty cool. No fair; I want to be a
good writer in even one language! :-P

[sealwhiskers.livejournal.com]

hah, mr Zombie. You just made my day :)

you are one of those that write really well among my LJ friends from US, I chose four of you mainly because of that...(and because of common interests, interesting stuff etc..)

[sealwhiskers.livejournal.com]

What do you say mr Z...does it sound idiotic to call this piece (if you go check it out in my journal a couple of posts further down) The Yolk-eater, I've stated the reasons for this to norhtern in the same post...but does it sound stupid or good in English? Be honest!