mom wank

My friends Sofia and Hansen just had the most glorious religiously unattached wedding on the stairs to the Orangery of the Botanical Garden of Uppsala. Hundreds of People, the bride in a Golden Dress showing off her nice tattoo mid back, and him ridding himself of his neo-grunge haircut, looking rather slick. His 13 year old daughter Lova carrying their 1,5 year old son Sixten and everybody going aaaaw and oooh in the right places.
I was a hostess along with two other girls at the feast, this meant that we made announcements and helped people when they had questions where to go in the big place etc etc.
Being a close friend of theirs also meant me busting my sorry ass these last weeks, helping out with getting serving staff, setting things up, decorating and today, after the party, cleaning up.
They are worth it, they really are, since they are like family.

So..why do I not want to spend a weekend taking care of their 1.5 old son?

Don't get me wrong...I adore the little dude, I really do. I feed him chicken all the time, he has that great toddler smell that sets my ovaries on fire, basically he shows me that I have some kind of mom instinct...but...

Ok, this is the thing: I'm gonna migrate, leave Sweden in five weeks or so, because I GOT MY VISA!!!!

VISA VISA VISA VISA VISA VISA GREEEN CAAAARD GREEEN CAAAARD.

soon I can be an unemployed archivist in the united States. Yay.

But I will leave everything that has been my home, all my friends from years and years back, all my favorite hunting grounds and a whole fricking language and way of thinking. All that will be so distant, and suddenly my time here is very precious, particularly the weekends are getting booked very fast.

So is that the reason why I really don't want to devote a full weekend tending a bouncing cute and very energetic toddler?
Maybe.
But I'm full of shame. What's wrong with me? I'm wanking on about wanting a child (because I'm not very fertile), but what if I get said child and become all..you know...dare I say it...eh... bored with her?
What If I go all individualistic instead of mom-istic?
Is there anything more taboo than not glorifying momhood in our society?

Don't get me wrong, I really want a kid. Yes, I'm that disturbed..I want it...but part of me is freaked out and wishes that the kid could be college aged right after she stops being a three year old.

And if I never get a child I will be in heavy need of therapy when I menopause, that's for sure. Damn I feel defected.

But back to basics, are my deeply reluctant feelings towards spending one of my five last weekends in Sweden tending a toddler rooted in:

a) Individualistic egoism

b) fear of commitment/children

c) laziness

d) stress due to migration

e) something intellectual and flattering that I can't come up with myself

One friend of mine, Kristin, told me not so long ago (she has two rather noisy boys in the 5-7 year range), that she used to hate kids - until she got her own. This kind of comforted me, since I actually often like kids...I just get distracted..you know...like an old professor, reading or something else, and then I catch myself and get filled with shame and angst and start watching the little dude rigorously...and then I get a little yawny.

Omg. I'm a freak. I want to tell the baby to go read some newspapers.

All you people that have experience with kids, tell me the truth please; are you ever bored? Is it normal? Are you afraid of getting cabbage-headed?

(cabbage-head=head full of cabbage; i.e. chewable but not enjoyable)

Shit..maybe I should spend a weekend with him. Learn more, not just about babysitting a little here and there, but how it really is.

God help me. Or anyone else that would like to....


Ps. At the wedding I wore a brown velvety folklore design kind of dress with a fake golden viking-bird at my throat and my hair really curly, I thought I had that dressed-up-Orphan-Annie kind of thing going...but I really received a lot of compliments..so I'm still kind of stunned from that. I told you this because I know all gals want to hear about dresses on weddings.

P.s.s I kind of hate how this entry is written in a Sex and the City, self questioning kind of manner. Because I do truly hate S&tC after renting a sufficient amount of it in the States to see what it was really about.
But..that is really kind of trite to say as well, since most women claim to hate S&tC, and yet have watched impressive amounts of it.
Just believe me, I'm no Carrie Bradshaw. Please?

P.x.x.x Poop and drool don't bother me, so it's not about that!