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Odd moments...
Jul. 1st, 2003 01:29 amToday was one of those rare moments when I made a loud chatting room fall into silence.
I was in an odd mood. Sleep has been iffy, and because of certain circumstances (actually good ones..) some really difficult memories have been surfacing inside me. This is not necessarily a bad thing, but it can make one odd, and tired for some time.
So the board meeting tonight was cheery, discussing serious stuff for the future, but also taking the time for gossip and easy chatting. I like all these ppl in different ways. One has worked hard in rough terrain with me, one knows about my probable inability to have kids, and feelings about that, another has helped me with some tricky stuff once..and so on.
Gossip was about all the turbulence around certain couples in this large group of ppl we all know. They all were aware that I know all the ppl involved well, thus having insights to some background details about these issues, but not commenting on it for the time being (I'm certainly not above a good gossip from time to time, but right now, I'm weary of such matters as the ones discussed).
Suddenly I just heard my own voice saying, not very loud, but quite clear, in the middle of the chatting: "We are all so upset when we witness things like these, because it only reflects our own banality back at us. ...Aren't we all such simple creatures..really?"
It all stopped. And the one knowing about my fertility rating just stared and said: half jokingly, half seriously: Hey, stop it! You can't say a thing like that, not you!
So I made it into a joke, to smooth it over. Everyone knows I said it anyway. My words are out there.
Still..I do believe in a sense of wonder, resent happenings have shown me that. And it can be found in things both simple and complicated. But, there are things swimming in the darkness of my waters right now that exhaust me. I was prepared for it however, and this is the best Iv'e ever coped with it.
Not bad at all. Although I did startle a whole room today.
Now..if I could only get more sleep...
I was in an odd mood. Sleep has been iffy, and because of certain circumstances (actually good ones..) some really difficult memories have been surfacing inside me. This is not necessarily a bad thing, but it can make one odd, and tired for some time.
So the board meeting tonight was cheery, discussing serious stuff for the future, but also taking the time for gossip and easy chatting. I like all these ppl in different ways. One has worked hard in rough terrain with me, one knows about my probable inability to have kids, and feelings about that, another has helped me with some tricky stuff once..and so on.
Gossip was about all the turbulence around certain couples in this large group of ppl we all know. They all were aware that I know all the ppl involved well, thus having insights to some background details about these issues, but not commenting on it for the time being (I'm certainly not above a good gossip from time to time, but right now, I'm weary of such matters as the ones discussed).
Suddenly I just heard my own voice saying, not very loud, but quite clear, in the middle of the chatting: "We are all so upset when we witness things like these, because it only reflects our own banality back at us. ...Aren't we all such simple creatures..really?"
It all stopped. And the one knowing about my fertility rating just stared and said: half jokingly, half seriously: Hey, stop it! You can't say a thing like that, not you!
So I made it into a joke, to smooth it over. Everyone knows I said it anyway. My words are out there.
Still..I do believe in a sense of wonder, resent happenings have shown me that. And it can be found in things both simple and complicated. But, there are things swimming in the darkness of my waters right now that exhaust me. I was prepared for it however, and this is the best Iv'e ever coped with it.
Not bad at all. Although I did startle a whole room today.
Now..if I could only get more sleep...
