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Soul salvation and bad drama
Mar. 27th, 2003 11:29 pmI haven't written in a while, somehow I've managed to avoid it, blaming business with work and thesis and father issues. That wasn't it though.
Saturday was a hard day. I knew it would be. It would involve a huge group of ppl (about a hundred), official speeches and other "performance duties" on my behalf, my ex and his new SO, and the SO behaving very strangely around me (which she has done the last couple of months, for obscured reasons), a still sore right side draining my ability to keep emotions in control.
In retrospect I should perhaps not have gone, but on the other hand, that would have been to give up. How did this situation become so strange? I do not want my ex back, I do not think I have ever wanted to rewind the tape since the moment I moved out in the beginning of the summer. I let him live in my apartment until he could find another place, half a year later, when he announced that he felt attracted to this woman, who had been hitting on him on and off since way back when he still was with me (although he denied having had any such feelings for her back then), I supported that. In all honesty I wasn't thrilled, she's not my favorite person, I have known her for a long time, she is a good deal older than both of us, and known as a real relationship breaker, but hey...that's not my business.
My ex stated in a long letter a while ago that he still felt this epic friendship love thing for me, and that it was crazy that we couldn't see each other more often. His new mate is however avoiding me, acting as if she's scared of me. She is actually on the border of being impolite (and this is a person I've known for years, who has been sitting in my home, eating my food numerous times!) How can my ex not see that the epic friendship is just not possible the way things are now?
Perhaps because it's just words. In all honesty, I have had friends on line, that I've never met in RL, supporting me and giving me more strength on a small daily basis, than he has done, during my dads heart attack crisis. (and thank heaven for the great group of RL friends that have helped me through it with warmness and presence)And this is a guy who drank beers with my old man and got along rather well with him on his own.
Saturday I felt unclean in some way, as if dipped against my will in some sticky bad smelling stuff not related to me as a person. As if I was playing in some bad drama movie, not being able to choose the part for myself, and without getting to view the script beforehand.
She was acting cowardly, avoiding me and clinging to him in a doe eyed way, as if I was a bad intimidating person or something, he was coming up to me a few times talking some meaningless shit and looking embarrassed, but then slithering away again.
Please please tell me what the fuck I have done wrong? I never call him, I do not bother her, they have "won" haven't they? I am just this single broad, trying to have a nice time with my friends. I am smiling, not being nasty.
But on the inside I'm just tired. Perhaps the inbreeding has gone in loops one time too many. Perhaps if I don't watch myself and this goes on I will snap, and do something really unpleasant to someone, say something really bad or slap someone. ...And then I would feel as if I'd really lost part of my soul or something.
Yes, pathetic.
During that evening my thoughts kept coming back to an old backpack I used to have. It was grey and red, rather big, with various hooks and attachment thingies hanging on the sides. It was a very good backpack, and I traveled a lot with it. You could fit most of life's necessities in there and then just split.
It's been a long time since I've done the splitting thing, and I don't think I could do it in the same way anymore, I care too much about so many ppl in this town, but still...I could go away for a while. I don't have that backpack anymore, but getting a new one is no big deal, and there will probably be some money heading my way in the early fall...
Saturday was a hard day. I knew it would be. It would involve a huge group of ppl (about a hundred), official speeches and other "performance duties" on my behalf, my ex and his new SO, and the SO behaving very strangely around me (which she has done the last couple of months, for obscured reasons), a still sore right side draining my ability to keep emotions in control.
In retrospect I should perhaps not have gone, but on the other hand, that would have been to give up. How did this situation become so strange? I do not want my ex back, I do not think I have ever wanted to rewind the tape since the moment I moved out in the beginning of the summer. I let him live in my apartment until he could find another place, half a year later, when he announced that he felt attracted to this woman, who had been hitting on him on and off since way back when he still was with me (although he denied having had any such feelings for her back then), I supported that. In all honesty I wasn't thrilled, she's not my favorite person, I have known her for a long time, she is a good deal older than both of us, and known as a real relationship breaker, but hey...that's not my business.
My ex stated in a long letter a while ago that he still felt this epic friendship love thing for me, and that it was crazy that we couldn't see each other more often. His new mate is however avoiding me, acting as if she's scared of me. She is actually on the border of being impolite (and this is a person I've known for years, who has been sitting in my home, eating my food numerous times!) How can my ex not see that the epic friendship is just not possible the way things are now?
Perhaps because it's just words. In all honesty, I have had friends on line, that I've never met in RL, supporting me and giving me more strength on a small daily basis, than he has done, during my dads heart attack crisis. (and thank heaven for the great group of RL friends that have helped me through it with warmness and presence)And this is a guy who drank beers with my old man and got along rather well with him on his own.
Saturday I felt unclean in some way, as if dipped against my will in some sticky bad smelling stuff not related to me as a person. As if I was playing in some bad drama movie, not being able to choose the part for myself, and without getting to view the script beforehand.
She was acting cowardly, avoiding me and clinging to him in a doe eyed way, as if I was a bad intimidating person or something, he was coming up to me a few times talking some meaningless shit and looking embarrassed, but then slithering away again.
Please please tell me what the fuck I have done wrong? I never call him, I do not bother her, they have "won" haven't they? I am just this single broad, trying to have a nice time with my friends. I am smiling, not being nasty.
But on the inside I'm just tired. Perhaps the inbreeding has gone in loops one time too many. Perhaps if I don't watch myself and this goes on I will snap, and do something really unpleasant to someone, say something really bad or slap someone. ...And then I would feel as if I'd really lost part of my soul or something.
Yes, pathetic.
During that evening my thoughts kept coming back to an old backpack I used to have. It was grey and red, rather big, with various hooks and attachment thingies hanging on the sides. It was a very good backpack, and I traveled a lot with it. You could fit most of life's necessities in there and then just split.
It's been a long time since I've done the splitting thing, and I don't think I could do it in the same way anymore, I care too much about so many ppl in this town, but still...I could go away for a while. I don't have that backpack anymore, but getting a new one is no big deal, and there will probably be some money heading my way in the early fall...
