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Oh for fucks sake...
Feb. 26th, 2003 11:30 pmYou start writing to a friend. A rather new e-mail friend that you exchange interesting thoughts with. You are exhausted, but really want to finally write down all those thoughts that have been moving around in your head. So you write. You write long and give the matters lots of honest thought. You then go back to check on a quote from one of the friends letters...and never find your own, long and yet only half written letter again.
You headbang into the computer and smash your forehead into a bloody pulp, you then rip out the entrails of the machine with your bare hands. None of this makes you a happier person.
I am always tired these days. I do not remember my dreams, but I know they are foul, it's just a feeling when you wake up, and the waking up part happens really often, with short intervals, and are combined with sweat and adrenaline.
Monday this friend called. She was very sad and frightened. Her new boyfriend is making her feel very insecure. I promised to come by after evening seminars. Now, this is a very good friend of mine...she's attractive, clever and good at what she does, yet still she's like this little weak and insecure beggar-child when it comes to this relationship. I picked up some take away food and a chick flick and came over. After a lot of pep talk, some food (which she hardly touched) and a movie, my tired eyes started to look for a water glass to put my contacts in, since I actually figured I had to spend the night, with her being in such a mess. It was by now the sad magic started to work on her, this initiated by the wondrous phone call from her boyfriend. She calmed down and became a completely different person. I figured I could go home and sleep the few hours left to sleep in my own bed, and while pondering this matter I walked home in the night.
In spite of all my shit I feel happier than her. And what's more..with the luggage of my own passed relationships I know that I would definitely not stay in one like hers. I had this strange feeling inside me that I at first could not fully identify, then suddenly I knew...it was relief, I felt relief over the fact that I am not in the place she is, and that I feel the risk of getting in that place, being very small.
What made me a little worried was that I could more easily relate to his point of view. He's not a bad guy, just in another phase of life than she is. He's just ended a long relationship, and she just might be a "rebound" person to him, even if he likes her a lot. Yes, I could see myself doing the same thing to someone, if I would get involved. Not pretending that there is some line of guys wanting to get into the dating game with me..but still, it's a scary thought...
...On my way home, during night time, I sometimes run into this big hare. I know it's the same one, I recognize him - and I think it's a "he", since he's so big and has very impressive ears.
He's really un-afraid, almost curious...I've started to call him Harvey in my head. Monday night he was grass-eating on my route home (there were some bare spots on the snowy ground)and he let me come quite close, only like 3 meters between us (perhaps hm..10 feet?). So I stood there talking to him..I mean, he's sure big enough to look like Harvey the Pooka, and it felt good talking a little to him about life and it's troubles and such, hell, he even looked as if he listened in a quite clever way...
However, this pastoral winter night scene was interrupted by a slightly intoxicated guy walking by, and Harvey started to frantically stomp with his mighty foot into the ground, with the intention to warn all other (cleverly hidden undercover)hares in the neighborhood before running away.
So I stood there feeling like a dumb-ass, and the intoxicated guy walked by, probably thinking intoxicated thoughts about crazy chicks and big rodents...
This isn't my first close encounter with a hare. I had one some years ago when I slept under the stars on an old mound down south one winter night. But that's another story.
You headbang into the computer and smash your forehead into a bloody pulp, you then rip out the entrails of the machine with your bare hands. None of this makes you a happier person.
I am always tired these days. I do not remember my dreams, but I know they are foul, it's just a feeling when you wake up, and the waking up part happens really often, with short intervals, and are combined with sweat and adrenaline.
Monday this friend called. She was very sad and frightened. Her new boyfriend is making her feel very insecure. I promised to come by after evening seminars. Now, this is a very good friend of mine...she's attractive, clever and good at what she does, yet still she's like this little weak and insecure beggar-child when it comes to this relationship. I picked up some take away food and a chick flick and came over. After a lot of pep talk, some food (which she hardly touched) and a movie, my tired eyes started to look for a water glass to put my contacts in, since I actually figured I had to spend the night, with her being in such a mess. It was by now the sad magic started to work on her, this initiated by the wondrous phone call from her boyfriend. She calmed down and became a completely different person. I figured I could go home and sleep the few hours left to sleep in my own bed, and while pondering this matter I walked home in the night.
In spite of all my shit I feel happier than her. And what's more..with the luggage of my own passed relationships I know that I would definitely not stay in one like hers. I had this strange feeling inside me that I at first could not fully identify, then suddenly I knew...it was relief, I felt relief over the fact that I am not in the place she is, and that I feel the risk of getting in that place, being very small.
What made me a little worried was that I could more easily relate to his point of view. He's not a bad guy, just in another phase of life than she is. He's just ended a long relationship, and she just might be a "rebound" person to him, even if he likes her a lot. Yes, I could see myself doing the same thing to someone, if I would get involved. Not pretending that there is some line of guys wanting to get into the dating game with me..but still, it's a scary thought...
...On my way home, during night time, I sometimes run into this big hare. I know it's the same one, I recognize him - and I think it's a "he", since he's so big and has very impressive ears.
He's really un-afraid, almost curious...I've started to call him Harvey in my head. Monday night he was grass-eating on my route home (there were some bare spots on the snowy ground)and he let me come quite close, only like 3 meters between us (perhaps hm..10 feet?). So I stood there talking to him..I mean, he's sure big enough to look like Harvey the Pooka, and it felt good talking a little to him about life and it's troubles and such, hell, he even looked as if he listened in a quite clever way...
However, this pastoral winter night scene was interrupted by a slightly intoxicated guy walking by, and Harvey started to frantically stomp with his mighty foot into the ground, with the intention to warn all other (cleverly hidden undercover)hares in the neighborhood before running away.
So I stood there feeling like a dumb-ass, and the intoxicated guy walked by, probably thinking intoxicated thoughts about crazy chicks and big rodents...
This isn't my first close encounter with a hare. I had one some years ago when I slept under the stars on an old mound down south one winter night. But that's another story.
