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bullemia without the vomiting
Jun. 30th, 2005 07:28 pmWill either make you fat..or, metaphorically speaking: keeping it all inside without letting out some steam, will end in misery.
I have all kinds of bulimia nowadays, but without the vomiting. I fear obesity.
Examples:
1) Not saying "no" when things are enough. Doing and doing because I'm gonna be bloody emigrating soon, and then I can't do it anymore with those people.
Instead I get exhausted on the verge of passive hostility towards those friends I can't say no to.
Yes, in an evolutionary chain I would play the part of a very stressed, moderately intelligent and certainly short lived species.
2) Not talking about my angst.
Because if I do, people will like me less, or think that it is the equivalent of me rolling over and showing throat, or my angsty vibes will attach themselves to me permanently like a bad perfume and no one will sit next to me on buses or planes (hm.. might not be so bad..) and my kids/friends/relatives will hate me.
3) Saying yes to a nice American woman I barely know when she asks if she can come to Sweden for five days, even though I have no home/time/resources to share with her.
I then provide her with time/friends homes/resources and get sick, exhausted and over stressed because I really didn't have all this to provide.
To say that I would be a moderately intelligent, yet stressed animal with a short life span...suddenly seems like un-earned flattery thrown upon my debile person
Also I can't have enough of Swedish food, and I will get fat if I don't calm down. I eat lingonberry jam from the jar, I binge on cod roe paste, fish balls and pickled herring and crisp bread...I eat and eat like I'll never get it anymore. Even meatballs, which quite frankly is not my favorite dish.
So..if I don't die of stress I can always die from OD:ing on cod roe.
Fortunately I walk all my favorite places and burn off calories. I'm an eager and manic walker/hiker. I follow the Fyris-river (which is really a brook, but it's called a river) for hours and hours and into new terrain. It sounds healthy..but is really kinda angsty as well. Like Frodo upon leaving the Shire, I go around in an unsettled melancholy bittersweet way, mumbling to myself things like: will I ever see this valley again...
When I look upon myself from outside of myself I want to vomit, but being a non-vomiting bulimic, I can't. I'm fat on the same emotions that made me hate Young Werther when I was a teenager.
My country is not a safety blanket, my friends are not my possessions and my Geek is not my life line. Everything changes all the time, so I better get a grip. Because the paradox of it all is that I miss Colorado too. Missing things is normal, and good. And of course I miss the Geek terribly. Every day. There, I barfed. I wasn't gonna say it, but I did.
And this post is now smelling badly.
Gah..I still need to finish academia and sell all my possessions.
I have all kinds of bulimia nowadays, but without the vomiting. I fear obesity.
Examples:
1) Not saying "no" when things are enough. Doing and doing because I'm gonna be bloody emigrating soon, and then I can't do it anymore with those people.
Instead I get exhausted on the verge of passive hostility towards those friends I can't say no to.
Yes, in an evolutionary chain I would play the part of a very stressed, moderately intelligent and certainly short lived species.
2) Not talking about my angst.
Because if I do, people will like me less, or think that it is the equivalent of me rolling over and showing throat, or my angsty vibes will attach themselves to me permanently like a bad perfume and no one will sit next to me on buses or planes (hm.. might not be so bad..) and my kids/friends/relatives will hate me.
3) Saying yes to a nice American woman I barely know when she asks if she can come to Sweden for five days, even though I have no home/time/resources to share with her.
I then provide her with time/friends homes/resources and get sick, exhausted and over stressed because I really didn't have all this to provide.
To say that I would be a moderately intelligent, yet stressed animal with a short life span...suddenly seems like un-earned flattery thrown upon my debile person
Also I can't have enough of Swedish food, and I will get fat if I don't calm down. I eat lingonberry jam from the jar, I binge on cod roe paste, fish balls and pickled herring and crisp bread...I eat and eat like I'll never get it anymore. Even meatballs, which quite frankly is not my favorite dish.
So..if I don't die of stress I can always die from OD:ing on cod roe.
Fortunately I walk all my favorite places and burn off calories. I'm an eager and manic walker/hiker. I follow the Fyris-river (which is really a brook, but it's called a river) for hours and hours and into new terrain. It sounds healthy..but is really kinda angsty as well. Like Frodo upon leaving the Shire, I go around in an unsettled melancholy bittersweet way, mumbling to myself things like: will I ever see this valley again...
When I look upon myself from outside of myself I want to vomit, but being a non-vomiting bulimic, I can't. I'm fat on the same emotions that made me hate Young Werther when I was a teenager.
My country is not a safety blanket, my friends are not my possessions and my Geek is not my life line. Everything changes all the time, so I better get a grip. Because the paradox of it all is that I miss Colorado too. Missing things is normal, and good. And of course I miss the Geek terribly. Every day. There, I barfed. I wasn't gonna say it, but I did.
And this post is now smelling badly.
Gah..I still need to finish academia and sell all my possessions.
