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Not an easy post
Aug. 3rd, 2004 10:08 amBut I think I want to do it anyway.
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northernveil gave me this link and posted it in her own journal as well. It hit me profoundly when I read it, even though it's not much different from many other stories told.
http://www.livejournal.com/users/misia/445834.html
I am very much like her in that respect that I don't want to talk about my own story here. A few people in my life know what happened, and some even know the names. And it was a long time ago.
However, keeping silent about one's own story is not half as difficult as doing it about someone else's.
What I'm about to tell is also a very common story, it could in fact relate to any number of cases around us, in our immediate vicinity. Those few of you that know some facts won't tell and those few that don't wont ask, I'm sure.
A couple of years ago a girl I know got raped by a guy I also know. Her story is so very similar to a couple of the responses to the post I'm linking to, and it makes me wonder if the hardest cases to cope with are perhaps the one's when the survivor must ask herself was it really rape?
Now..why would anyone ask oneself that, of all the questions? She said "no", he was stronger than her, he was drunk, he did make sexual violence on her, clearly against her will...and yet she asks and blames herself.
I have been thinking about this for a handful of years - it was originally told to me by one of the self-blaming male friends of hers, who had been sitting in her place having beers with her, the offender and another male friend of hers. The two friends left eventually, not thinking twice about safety and such things - after all, the guy who stayed behind was in a serious relationship, a "nice guy", nothing peculiar there.
And right there is the answer. The incident changed her life, and yet she couldn't fully believe it, because he wasn't a dirty man in the bushes.
She had to see how everyone around her viewed him on several occasions, she viewed his affection for his partner...and in her head she thought...there is some error here...and obviously I'm it.
She later talked to me about this herself, and the few of us who knew made a promise to not tell. And we didn't. He is still out there, being a nice respectable man.
The men facing this dilemma had quite a hard time. Some of them just couldn't cope with the fact that a rapist could look so much alike nice guys like themselves.
The few women that knew had no problem treading the fine line in how they treated him. They didn't reveal what they knew, but there were certain things they didn't do with him any more - like swapping jokes, or laughing, or seeking out his company in a crowd. For me, as a survivor myself, this always meant a lot, these subtle signs of support. I remember one such moment in particular, on a wedding, he came to stand close to a girl I know - one of the few who knew, there was no people around them, so she didn't bother making conversation, she just left.
But not all could do what she did.
My own fiancee knew and had a difficult time. The swapping of jokes is important to certain males - as is to laugh together, whether they like eachother or not.
I guess being the ever present beta male and popular wing man put a bit of pressure on him. We discussed this quite a bit later on, so I got the complexity of it explained to me. And he did have his own ways of trying to show loyalty to both me and what little he knew about my history, and to this girl.
But his loyalty was very private.
Today, I am with someone who has experienced a close one being exposed to sexual violence - and I'm constantly surprised at the bonus this gives to the closeness in our relationship.
Also there was this special kind of bright corner in my chest for those guy friends that, whether it be in a clumsy or subtle way, managed to express empathy for these kinds of cases. Because they really are not odd cases at all.
The dilemmas we face because of these crimes makes us all survivors (or victims), the guys trying to cope, the supporting women, the unknowing partners, his unknowing partner, the ones with old scars and the recently scarred ones.
northernveil gave me this link and posted it in her own journal as well. It hit me profoundly when I read it, even though it's not much different from many other stories told.http://www.livejournal.com/users/misia/445834.html
I am very much like her in that respect that I don't want to talk about my own story here. A few people in my life know what happened, and some even know the names. And it was a long time ago.
However, keeping silent about one's own story is not half as difficult as doing it about someone else's.
What I'm about to tell is also a very common story, it could in fact relate to any number of cases around us, in our immediate vicinity. Those few of you that know some facts won't tell and those few that don't wont ask, I'm sure.
A couple of years ago a girl I know got raped by a guy I also know. Her story is so very similar to a couple of the responses to the post I'm linking to, and it makes me wonder if the hardest cases to cope with are perhaps the one's when the survivor must ask herself was it really rape?
Now..why would anyone ask oneself that, of all the questions? She said "no", he was stronger than her, he was drunk, he did make sexual violence on her, clearly against her will...and yet she asks and blames herself.
I have been thinking about this for a handful of years - it was originally told to me by one of the self-blaming male friends of hers, who had been sitting in her place having beers with her, the offender and another male friend of hers. The two friends left eventually, not thinking twice about safety and such things - after all, the guy who stayed behind was in a serious relationship, a "nice guy", nothing peculiar there.
And right there is the answer. The incident changed her life, and yet she couldn't fully believe it, because he wasn't a dirty man in the bushes.
She had to see how everyone around her viewed him on several occasions, she viewed his affection for his partner...and in her head she thought...there is some error here...and obviously I'm it.
She later talked to me about this herself, and the few of us who knew made a promise to not tell. And we didn't. He is still out there, being a nice respectable man.
The men facing this dilemma had quite a hard time. Some of them just couldn't cope with the fact that a rapist could look so much alike nice guys like themselves.
The few women that knew had no problem treading the fine line in how they treated him. They didn't reveal what they knew, but there were certain things they didn't do with him any more - like swapping jokes, or laughing, or seeking out his company in a crowd. For me, as a survivor myself, this always meant a lot, these subtle signs of support. I remember one such moment in particular, on a wedding, he came to stand close to a girl I know - one of the few who knew, there was no people around them, so she didn't bother making conversation, she just left.
But not all could do what she did.
My own fiancee knew and had a difficult time. The swapping of jokes is important to certain males - as is to laugh together, whether they like eachother or not.
I guess being the ever present beta male and popular wing man put a bit of pressure on him. We discussed this quite a bit later on, so I got the complexity of it explained to me. And he did have his own ways of trying to show loyalty to both me and what little he knew about my history, and to this girl.
But his loyalty was very private.
Today, I am with someone who has experienced a close one being exposed to sexual violence - and I'm constantly surprised at the bonus this gives to the closeness in our relationship.
Also there was this special kind of bright corner in my chest for those guy friends that, whether it be in a clumsy or subtle way, managed to express empathy for these kinds of cases. Because they really are not odd cases at all.
The dilemmas we face because of these crimes makes us all survivors (or victims), the guys trying to cope, the supporting women, the unknowing partners, his unknowing partner, the ones with old scars and the recently scarred ones.
