am I in the monster manual?

I was supposed to go for coffee with Anders, my ex today. He called, but I aborted the plans. I just didn't feel that I really wanted to sit down and talk. He said: "I can't force you, but this really means something to me.." I gave him a "let's see later" - answer.
So, I went and did other stuff with some friends, and when I came home around midnight there was a long e-mail waiting for me.
It was hard reading. He really really knows how to be the good person. I am not. I am expected to perform this big high level friendship love and respect thing. I am supposed to. He does it, and he's really good at it. And it's real, no simulation. But there are issues we haven't talked about, hard ones. It's hard to put up the friendship performance right now. I'm so deeply deeply tired right down to my very bones. I register that he wants these responses from me, and he might really be entitled to it, but that doesn't mean I'll be able to deliver it. I feel like a monster.
...And I still have this big vacant space inside me, in the chest area, it sounds like a cliche, but there are really some cold winds blowing in there...