a good duck

Grzm's birthday was not to be celebrated, he proclaimed. But he still wanted to have a meal with some very few old friends. He had that voice over the phone the other day, a little hesitant, but with the kind "don't-ask-just-come" tone to it.

I came (on time)and saw that the few other friends were in fact Ork and Katarina. We looked at each other in an uncertain way and Grzm handed out drink lists and said that the Peking duck was really something in this place...(he's actually not the chatty type normally).

It is strange how things work. Some ppl have such trouble with change and new constellations. And Ork and me have not always said kind things to eachother. There are some memorable moments...Ork almost slamming the guitar into the wall when we worked on songs, me walking out of martial arts class in fury. He has a low stress threshold, and I have trouble with people having that. But we did some great stuff together and were friends for quite some time. I thought it was all over though. Ork behaved as if he had to choose sides with my ex and his new love who in so many ways is not at all new to any of us.

While I fumbled with my chopsticks I realized that I had as much let go of them as they of me. Then I remembered that I had in fact packed my bags half a year before the inbreeding started, that I had disappeared to many people during the warm months, how could they possibly know what the deal was?
Suddenly it felt as if something lifted from my chest, "screw this" I thought and almost laughed. It was the best beer I've had in a long time, and we just started talking like nothing had happened - and I mean that in a good way.

Grzm has not the capacity to look smug, and I have not the capacity to shut up when there's beer and duck. Katarina has the capacity to listen and Ork showed a surprising capacity for remembrance and nostalgia - also that in a good way. He said he wanted to illustrate the old story about the fat dragon and all those other fatties..heh..I wonder if that's ever gonna happen. And then we talked about the super heroine barf girl...and had a really good time I guess.

Well, It's just like Grzm to give away presents on his own birthday. I am glad that I decided to go.

The right to express yourself

Is a highly potent way to develop new thoughts, and to expand your own ambitions. In most cases it starts with the words, a ramble, a debate, a discussion - even if it is a total wank orgy has the definite potential to lead to development inside a person. Of cause in some debates you have to wade through a lot of shit, and you can find yourself in a totally cynical/idealistic/rage-filled or bullshitting wank. But still, even that has a high potential of leading to something, even if it's not this week or even month.

The question was raised on a list called Dear_Islam, about what the ppl expressing opinions ever have done for the world, to make them feel so special (to actually have the right to argue, as I understand it). I don't embrace that attitude anymore, but I feel obligated to at least ponder the question anyway.

I give money to Amnesty and Greenpeace (and sometimes to local causes)We don't have many beggars in this country, but those that I run into always get a piece of my wallet (most ppl on my friends list are RL friends, and some of them smirk when reading this, I'm sure..)

I have walked in some anti fascist demonstrations, the one I remember most is a big one in Hamburg 3 years ago. It was a protest march against a demonstration that skins and neo nazis had arranged. We outmarched them with thousands of ppl! But to be honest I am scared shitless of being taken by the police. This happened once when I was very young (no big deal, they just phoned my parents and kept me for a few hours), but the mere thought of big uncontrolled crowds and having my id taken away brings out cold sweat in me.

I have been active in an Amnesty group for many years. We were a tight little cell once, writing many letters and raising money for the cause. We arranged art exhibitions and poetry evenings for Amnesty, and I think we did well in our own small context. There were powerful moments of reality, such as when you could actually exchange letters and thoughts with the families of those victims that you pleaded for. A case I remember most is an Iranian girl my own age, who got sentenced to jail just for reading a "blasphemous" writing from a wall on her way to school. She got 10 years, and was raped as well. Today she's out. We never did accomplish anything except this: Nanna, the Iranian girl in my Amnesty group managed to create a link between her, me and that girl. The three of us exchanged a few thoughts. That was all. But her case got known, she was our special case for a fund raising Amnesty evening.

It is not much, but I learned that sometimes, for people in great hardship, just knowing that others more happily situated ones in other parts of the world see what's going on and get affected by this, make a small, but distinct difference.

It is certainly good to try as much as one can. But if you don't have to, it is not likely you will do it because some one points you in some direction and says that you should or must. I think a debate, a ramble or a free speach wank has more potential to induce action.