(no subject)

Yesterday was a good new years eve. Good in a kind of way that you get when you don't have a single person around that you do not like very much. We managed to squeeze in 12 ppl for the dinner, and then others joined in later.

(no subject)

Morten came, and it was really nice seeing him again. He will always be the first guy I tried living with (it wasn't too bad), the first guy that took me on a motorcycle trip, and the one my mum liked the best (although this counts for very little). Nowadays he's like some kind of close relative, I'm not sure what kind, but close anyway. Whatever things I've done wrong in the past, at least I managed to stay on really good terms with the ppl I was close with. That's got to count for something...
Oh..and Anders called just after midnight, I wished him happy new year, but felt kind of indifferent. There was some stupid inner sulking for me however, I managed to piss myself off a little at some point. Like a spoiled kid i felt sorry for myself for not getting any kissing and fondling at new years eve, like it's a human right to have that...
It has been a hard year, full of experience I guess. In may I packed my bags and moved out. I lived with two bags in different temporary places for four months...it was a good feeling, kind of clean. Few of my friends understood it.
This is a messy journal tonight, too many scattered thoughts, and I'm also worn out from work. I'm taking a plane down south to finally meet my parents this weekend, and I'm starting to get the usual nervousness about that. Two days. It'll only be two days down south, and then I'm home again...
The hard part in life right now is the longing for sex and closeness, but not thinking I could handle it. I wish I knew more what that is all about.

For sensitive animal lovers: do not read on...

Feel terrible. This cold morning with snow falling from a still dark sky, I was walking over that big crossroad between my place and work. Everything was empty and deserted, and by the side of the road the small but clearly visible shape of a cat lying on his side caught my eye. He was a youngster, probably not used to crossing big roads like this. No necklace, but seemed to have been well fed, so someone will miss him. He was still living when I found him, just barely though. I lost all hope almost immediately when I knelt over him. I can and will not describe it in detail, but things had burst and came out of him, otherwise I would have taken a cab to the animal hospital with him. He seemed to be in shock, but still living and in great pain. I don't know how I managed...but I broke his little neck. I could actually feel it break and I don't think I will ever forget it. After that I didn't know what to do. The frozen ground made it impossible to bury him. In the end I wrapped him in a plastic bag and put him in the burnable garbage section. I felt so sorry for doing that, but it seemed bette than just leaving him...
As soon as I came inside at work I started shaking and just made it to the bathroom in time to puke my head off. I still don't think I can hold any food down. I have only killed bugs and fish before, it would have been nice if it could have stayed that way.
I feel cold and tired and I had to throw away my gloves, so now I don't have any, but I have to get new ones anyway, the old ones had holes in them. Blah..I'm rambling..I really feel like hurting some one. Preferably the person driving that car.